Here is the latest news from After The Honeymoon.  It includes:
• Info about upcoming events
  • Book review on "Mating In Captivity" by Ester Perel
• A tip to make your life more satisfying erotically.

Here is a quote from an unsolicited letter after our last workshop:  (My husband) and I came together and connected in a way I'fve longed for my entire marriage.  A very deep healing has begun between the two of us.  It feels like we we're on a second honeymoon.

Yah!  I'm excited about entering into this space of differentiated love with a new group of people.

A New daylong workshop is being offered by Felicia.

Exclusively for women, this workshop will explore both the biology and psychology of longing and sexual desire. Through discussion and creative embodiment exercises, participants will investigate the barriers to desire and seek to awaken inherent passions.

Don't miss this rare opportunity to join other courageous women as we take on this difficult topic.

Uncovering Desire: A Day for Women with Low Sexual Desire
Saturday December 6, 2008
10 a.m. to 5 p.m. in Petaluma
Cost: $145

  Book Review

I just finished reading Ester Perel's "Mating In Captivity" and I must say, I highly recommend it!  I first heard of Ester and her book when a friend of mine, Bob Cassidy, who is the creator and director of Cassidy Seminars used her as an example of how sexuality in couples therapy is not a big draw for therapists.  Go figure.   Bob organized a workshop for Ester which did not do as well as it should have, even after her book became popular.  Something about therapists???  (Turns out she is a dynamite speaker by the way, if you ever have a chance to see her.)

    A friend of mine said, "Oh, her book is a basic recapitulation of Stephen Mitchell" (whose book, "Can Love Last" is foundational in our work with couples).   With that discouragement and since the title left room for judgemental reactivity on my part, I decided at that time that I would not investigate further.

  But when Ellyn Bader, one of my primary teachers of couples work, spoke highly of Ester, I bought the book.

  It's true that Ester's book works with Stephen Mitchell's concepts of how attachment, dependence and the need to be safe inhibits erotic flow (and in retrospect, why wouldn't I want more exposure to this core concept?).  But Ester does it with a human acceptance and practical user friendliness that makes this book a must-read for anyone interested in the erotic life of couples.

  "Mating in Captivity" discusses various aspects of how couples eliminate the excitement and passion in their relationships in order to preserve stability.  Ester covers such important topics as pornography, the necessity for distance in intimacy, the whore/ Madonna complex and the pitfalls of parenthood.

    She challenges American culture's sacred cows such as intimacy depends on talking, equalitarianism leads to sexual desire and non-monogamy always fails.  And she does it in a respectful, thoughtful way.

  One worthwhile chapter is called "The Shadow of the Third:  Rethinking Fidelity.  Ester does not make a case for non-monogamy necessarily (though she discusses alternative lifestyles in a more balanced way than most books on couples erotic life).  But she does elucidate the idea of how the "third" – an image, a fantasy, or another, is nearly essential in maintaining vitality in erotic life.

  But the heart of this book, and what makes it a necessary addition for the libraries of lovers of the erotic is Ester's practical advice about how to cultivate the erotic in monogamous relationships.

   I especially love that she feels very similar to how I do about setting aside time for sex.  We teach the importance of sexual "dates"  in our work with couples and it is not unusual to run up against stiff resistance to the idea .  As Ester says "It is hard to overstate their enthusiastic conviction that really sexy sex is supposed to be spur of the moment."  Of course, it is easy to relate to feelings of loss when sex is not so spontaneous, and I certainly understand how a low-desire person who is already struggling with feelings of pressure and guilt can be suspicious of sexual dates, but often the resistance is from the pursuers.

Ester makes it perfectly clear:  "The idea that sex must be spontaneous keeps us one step removed from having to will sex, to own our desire, and to express it with intent.  . . . even in the beginning, spontaneity was a myth.  Whatever used to happen 'in the moment' was often the result of hours, if not days, of preparation.  What outfit, what conversation, which restaurant, which music?  All that planning — that highly detailed, imaginative production — was part of the buildup and part of the denouement."  As one of our first weekend participants said, "Life is foreplay."

  Enough said, I recommend this book.

  But also, it reminds me of an important tip for lovemaking.

Balancing Planning with Presence

Planning — understanding myself and my desire, organizing, creating, developing, putting intention toward what I want to actualize.  And being completely present — so completely absorbed in what is happening between my lover and I that each moment is a blissful experience, the sight of her body, breathing together, tender kisses.  No thought about where we are going.  Only this moment.  Only this touch.

  Both planning and presence are essential ingredients to great lovemaking.  But how do these two, apparently incompatible aspects of sexuality blend?

It is clear that taking the time to prepare for one's lover is beneficial.  This is true physically — preparing my body, setting the stage with good music, pleasant smells, chocolate; taking time to tune into her, coming to know my own desires and communicating them in respectful ways.  And emotionally — thinking of my partner with loving thoughts, imagining how I can please her in the ways she wants to be pleased.  When I imagine being with her I can feel my body prepare itself for that time.  I warm up.  I am touched by just the thought.  Love blossoms in my chest as I stoke the fires of longing.  And if my desire can inflame her, so much the better.

Yet it is equally clear that I must be present in each moment.  When I am with her and I leap into thoughts about the future, I risk leaving her behind (so to speak).  If I become concerned with how she will receive me, I risk self-consciousness.  If I place my attention too much on her experience, even if I think only of her pleasure, she may come to feel alone.  Efforting and trying seem only to take me further away.

  The answer to this dilemma lies in embodied desire, an experience central in our upcoming workshop.  Let me offer this to you.  First Rumi

: There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Don't look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere
They're in each other all along

Be your own beautiful lover.  (Not in that way silly.)  Take time to tune into yourself deeply.  Lovingly touch the experience of your senses.  Allow yourself to imagine what your body wants.

  Is there a way to create the space to be with your lover tuning into these soul expressions?  This is where planning comes in.  Planning can be a natural and spontaneous expression of desire that moves you across time and space toward a room with a very special view.

  Inside of this room, the powerful expressions of your desire can dance with those of your lover.  Of course this dance requires that you stay with the experience of your body, even in the presence of that beautiful other.  Creatively tuning the instrument of your sensual awareness to vibrate wholly with the symphony of life that washes over you.  Each moment in that room, deeply, soulfully satisfying — the view will break your heart.  The grab of clenching driven desire an ecstatic expression of the moment.  No need to make something happen.  The body thrumming the song of life — this heart breaking open to even greater love — for you, for your lover, for our struggle, for this expression of our destiny.

  Okay, I admit it.  I do my best to allow you all to break my heart.  I so long to burst into the fullness of life together.  Planning to create space to do that.  Coming together to know ourselves.  To turn toward the lessons that live through us.  To find that place where we already know one another.

I wish you well and hope to see you soon.

Jim

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With passion pray.  With passion make love.
With passion eat and drink and dance and play.
   Why look like a dead fish in this ocean of God? (Rumi)