Fall In Love

Sexual Desire Discrepancy Teleconference

Three Openings in Psychotherapy Groups

Do you know this Rumi poem?

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty

and frightened. Don't open the door to the study

and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

One reason that I love this poem is because today, like every other day, I really did wake up empty and frightened. And yet, ever more quickly I feel the satisfaction of belonging, experience the possibilities for enlivening dances, and experience the graceful opening of my heart. Life has taught me that the way I approach the challenges before me has a more enduring effect than whatever the outcome of the particular challenge might be.

Choose to love. Love does not necessarily spring unfettered from my chest with each exhalation. But I know that love lies within and that to love is the way. Sometimes people tell me that they feel so much love for their partner on the drive home, but when they arrive, they feel irritated, or just uninterested. Other times people say that the normal vexations of working, raising a family, etc. leave little room for connecting with their partner. I say, what you practice is what you will become. Practice Love.

If you want to excel — which, in this case, would mean having an extraordinary relationship — you must practice love in a particular way. You must practice love intentionally, identifying the areas that do not come so naturally to you and working with them. For example, if you are great at complimenting your partner it probably helps have a good relationship. But if you are not so good at talking vulnerably, the practice of that can take your relationship to a new level.

Here is a great practice for couples. When one partner arrives home to the other already at home, the partner that is home drops what they are doing temporarily and greets the arriving partner with a warm hug. Both continue to melt into the other until both are relaxed and comfortable. Kids, dogs, cats, computers, telephones, etc. do not get to intrude on this hug. After both have relaxed into the other, the day continues as you both choose.

This practice reinforces attachment — allows both to feel safe and cared for. When frustrations are high and walls are being built between couples, this practice can work against difficult interactions. But equally important, when each partner brings an intention of giving appreciation to the other and the relationship, it is a practice of love. Perhaps we could say a practice of romance. Practice attachment and you will feel calmer and safer. Practice romance and you will feel a building sense of appreciation and desire. With this practice, you can do both simultaneously!

In the video link below Helen Fisher, who is an expert on the psychobiology of relationships, says there are three different relevant relationship systems in the brain that we need to manage. One has to do with attachment. One has to do with romance. And one has to do with sex.

While sexual desire is a complex topic that I won't enter into here, I will say this. When we feel attached and are fostering romance, the stage is set for sexual play and exploration. I hope that the paragraphs that follow, help.

The beauty of Spring abounds. The trees are budding, the flowers are popping and people are throwing off their coats and turning their faces into the promise of warmth. For me, and I know for many others, there is a feeling of possibility stimulated by an internal excitement and the sights of Spring. The sap is rising.

What are the conscious or unconscious practices that you have regarding the emergence of Spring? For some, internal energy turns the mind immediately to sex. On the opposite end of the spectrum, some have an internal practice of ignoring these stirrings. Many turn this sense-of-possibility into whatever their ongoing interests are — work, children, garden, socializing with friends, etc.

Bring the promise of Spring into your relationship with gifts of flowers, time walking in nature, conversations about life, conversations about your ultimate relationship fantasies, taking off your clothes together in a sunny spot. Involve your imagination and intention and you will find a building sense of the excitement for life. As Rumi says, "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

And what you practice is what you will become.

Here is the link for the film that I mentioned above. I found it inspiring. This is a film by Chris Brickler, the Emmy-nominated director/composer of the film "Song of

Songs." It is called "How Will We Love?" and is FREE on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqAEfBMlJoc

Here is to the blossoming of the flower that you are.

Jim & Felicia