Jim and Felicia Matto-Shepard are licensed psychotherapists in the San Francisco Bay area. They offer retreats, groups and workshops for couples, which incorporate state-of-the-art psychology with historically grounded practices.
In this issue:
• EARLY BIRD DISCOUNT ON NEXT PRIMER FOR PASSION WORKSHOP
• ADDRESSING BOREDOM FOR LOVE AND SEX
FALL IN LOVE
The next "Fall In Love" workshop is September 26th and 27th. Save nearly $100 by enrolling before the end of July. Please pass this on to anyone who might be interested.
While we recreate this workshop each time we do it, the basic structure remains the same. It is oriented around helping couples feel safe in order to reconnect and explore sexually, and then to create a sexual ceremony that can be used as a practice for ongoing sexual development. We continue to balance making the workshop fun and playful while also educational and deep.
Flyer
Check out our beautiful art work in this PDF file of our Flyer for "Fall in Love" workshop and let me know if you want hard copies.
ADDRESS BOREDOM FOR LOVE
It is not easy to have a good sexual and emotionally close relationship with the same person over time.
Recently, Felicia and I presented for the Couples Institute on Sexual Desire Discrepancy. On that call, Pete Pearson said that, in order to address boredom some have advocated a lifetime subscription to a different kind of Playboy magazine - one that uses the same centerfold model (as she ages) month after month.
While this joke may be painful for those of us who are getting older and facing the slow decline of our bodies, it points to an important truth. People tend to stop looking to their marriage partner for excitement and stimulation. And when things get boring, it doesn't bode well for sex or for romance.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
How often do you do intimate, exciting things with your lover? Bringing novelty and excitement into the sexual arena helps refresh those brain chemicals that say "this is interesting!" And thus brings regeneration. Here is additional background about the advantages of novelty. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30808963/ns/health-behavior/
On a related note, according to the study published last month in Psychological Science, couples who say they are bored (generally in their marriage) tend to grow increasingly unhappy. In this study, Irene Tsapelas, a researcher in the psychology department at the State University of New York at Stony Brook has found that that boredom may be more corrosive to a relationship than conflict.
Conflict is not corrosive to a relationship. But unresolved conflict is. At the core of conflict is difference. At best, conflict, is a process of understanding and accepting difference. At worst, anger is used as a defense to mask underlying hurt or shame so that disagreements fester. Or sometimes conflict lies under the surface unaddressed — where it can drain the life out of a relationship.
You can continue to bring a renewed sense of being in love (and thus have better sex) if you take the time to share intimately. The more risk you take, the more enlivening it can be. Share with your partner what you are afraid of, angry about or obsessed by. These are the kinds of things people usually share with their "best friend."
While boredom is corrosive, excitement is stimulating and intimacy is enlivening, many couples find it increasingly difficult to manifest exciting situations with long-term partners. Especially difficult is excitement that is simultaneously emotionally connected.
When I ask couples why, they generally either say that the constraints of life make it impossible, or that their inability to collaborate leads to stasis.
Makes sense, right? Our world is complex and confusing. It is sometimes difficult just to get done what is necessary to get through the day. In addition, with global awareness, the world seems more frightening each day. When we have someone that helps us feel more secure, and who can help us with the tasks of life, we tend to use them for that purpose — and not rock the boat. We use our primary relationships for safety and while safety and excitement are not mutually exclusive, they can definitely clash.
Here is the bottom line. Over focus on stability, without conscious attention to intimate excitement, leads to relationship apathy — depression.
So, take a moment and wake up. Become more aware with your partner and lover. Go for a hike in nature, stop in a meadow and discuss your relationship. Take time to dance together and maybe talk about the good parts and the bad. Share your fears and your hopes. Take a vacation with the intention of nurturing your relationship. Go to a workshop that is designed to help you nurture your relationship. Bring awareness and aliveness into conversations about where you are going in life.
Rumi says:
I would love to kiss you.
The price of kissing is your life.
Now my loving is running toward my life shouting,
What a bargain, let's buy it.
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Jim & Felicia Matto-Shepard
(707) 762-1670
afterthehoneymoon.org
With passion pray. With passion make love.
With passion eat and drink and dance and play.
Why look like a dead fish in this ocean of God? (Rumi)
