Healthy relationships must develop

Stephen Gilligan, author of "The Courage to Love", tells a story about meeting a married elderly woman at a party. Having an interest in what makes relationships work, he asked this woman how she had maintained what was obviously an exceptional marriage for nearly five decades. The woman replied that he was mistaken and that she actually had several relationships. The first was a wild and ecstatic love relationship, the second was a difficult, but very rewarding co-parenting relationship, the third was a passionate exploration of what is possible in a relationship committed to personal and cultural transformation, the last was a deep and abiding friendship. You have probably guessed that all of these relationships were with the same man!

Many couples have said that when the honeymoon is over, and "happily ever after" has become a myth, they stop expecting much from their relationship. Without the excitement of new love to carry them along, couples may let the fire of their passion die out. Others assume that there must be a problem with their partner and begin looking for satisfaction elsewhere.

After The Honeymoon is based on the understanding that relationships develop and change over time. Most people meet, fall in love and enjoy a period of developing friendship and passionate sexuality. This bonding period is an important part of creating a lasting relationship, but inevitably comes to an end.

Sobonfu Some (The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationship) writes that relationships in the West start with the "falling in love stage." By starting at the "top of the mountain" relationships can go nowhere but downhill. She believes that this is why we so often feel disappointed or let down when the honeymoon stage fades. We may operate on the hidden assumption that we will be able to stay on the top of this mountain of passionate love —that ongoing passion should happen spontaneously, and that if we have to work for it or "schedule it" there is something wrong with it.

Of course, when we stop and think, it becomes clear that relationship and romance require attention and effort. A marriage that is constantly put on the back burner in order to deal with jobs, children, and social obligations, is a marriage at risk. Relationships require time, attention and appropriate structures to progress.

Optimally, after the honeymoon, each individual in a relationship takes responsibility for his or her own wholeness, learns how to effectively collaborate and takes time to cultivate romance in the relationship. When both people in a relationship take responsibility for their own growth, both are interested in the other, both express their desires, and both collaborate for their mutual benefit, then a new kind of relationship can be born.

Sexuality in this kind of more mature relationship can take many forms. Some are surprised to find that the sex far surpasses anything possible in the beginning of the relationship.

Poor Modeling and Teaching From Parents

Think about your parent's relationship. Do you get a sense of deep satisfaction between them? Loving commitment? Passion? Or do you think of tensions and conflicts? Distance and resentments? The old adage that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" speaks to the fact that, unless we work hard for change, we unconsciously model ourselves after what we grew up with. Or, as sometimes happens, we may decide to be different than our parents, only to discover later that we have over-compensated and have created similar problems from a different angle.

In addition, many of us received little or no direct guidance about how to effectively create a satisfying relationship. Just as parenting does not come with an instruction manual, neither does marriage. And "sex education" for most of us was about the biology of sex with little or no instruction about how love making works. For this, we are on our own.

Partners bring different (and often unspoken) expectations to the partnership

What we have learned from our parents about sex and relationship, even when it is potentially healthy and helpful, and even when we are conscious of our patterns, is often different from what our partners have learned. For many of us it is painful when our spouse has significantly different desires, beliefs or ways of operating in the world. Yet it is crucial that we have the willingness to allow our partners to be different. Identifying and communicating about these differences is an essential part of collaborating to create a successful relationship. Both partners must be willing to explore their personal likes and dislikes, assumptions and expectations. We need to understand our prejudices, things we are ashamed or afraid of, as well as what we want. This can be a challenging task.

While it is common for couples to struggle with communicating about all kinds of differences, it can be especially difficult regarding sexuality. Couples who are together for awhile often develop fairly rigid sexual patterns based on unspoken struggle and innuendo. Without open-hearted discussion, manifest sexual patterns can be frustrating, hurtful or anxiety producing.

Individuals suffer from childhood trauma

Most of us are familiar with the idea of childhood trauma. You might think of physical or sexual abuse, child abandonment, or neglect. But varying degrees of trauma can be caused by more subtle events in childhood. Developmental trauma refers to the ways that parents inadvertently failed to provide what was necessary for optimal development, or unconsciously interfered with development due to their own unconscious needs. Children need close attunement, help calming themselves, assistance articulating feelings, and parents who can set appropriate boundaries while also allowing exploration and risk

Too often, early years are troubled with inadequate, intrusive, or inappropriate relationships. This can lead to difficult repetitive relationship patterns in adulthood. It is important to realize that, while it is not valuable to blame our parents for the way that we are living our lives, the root causes for our painful relationship struggles are most often found in our early childhood.

People tend to unconsciously chose partners who offer the opportunity to rework childhood relationships.

The following example illustrates how some couples get married with clear intentions, yet have an unconscious agenda that is quite different than what they believe it to be. This hidden agenda can be understood as an unconscious attempt to redo a poor parental relationship by developing a good relationship with a significant other who has issues similar to the parent.

Henry is a bright and sensitive man who cares deeply about overcoming the domination of women in culture. His wife, June, is a strong, powerful, professionally accomplished woman. Henry consciously chose June as a life-partner because he admired her accomplishments, her personal power and unlike many of the women he had dated, June was not afraid of initiating sexually. June appreciated Henry's sensitivity and, unlike most men she had dated, Henry was willing to be accountable for his actions, to share his emotions and to commit to relationship.

Henry came from a family where his mother, who he admired, managed without much help from a father who was more out of the picture than in. Henry's mother was not as emotionally connected to him as he would have liked, yet he did not blame her for this as she was the sole provider for the household and, by necessity, had to spend a great deal of time making money. He believed that the absence of his father was a benefit to him because it allowed him to form his masculine identity without undue influence.

June came from a traditional family where her mother was a stay-at-home mom and her father was a successful physician. While June admired her father very much, she was often upset as a child because of his deeply critical nature. She seemed to have a good relationship with her mom though she viewed her as "weak." June was a cute and precocious child. She won her parents favor by performing well in school and in sports.

This couple had a deeply loving relationship and yet, over time, things began to go awry. Whereas June seemed very supportive in the beginning of their relationship, Henry came to see her as controlling and critical. He withdrew emotionally and sexually. June came to regard Henry as passive and "wimpy." She wanted someone with more personal power, who could take a stand and fight for what he believes in. Yet, it seemed that the only way that Henry could stand up was in a very critical, demeaning way. June began spending more time at work and developed an "emotional affair" with a coworker.

In therapy, Henry soon recognized that he had unconsciously hoped that June could "teach" him how to be stronger in relationship. He hoped that she would both complete him and guide him. It also became clear that June picked Henry because he appeared to be the opposite of her father — soft, gentle, and open.

As time in therapy progressed, we uncovered an even deeper meaning of how their parental relationships influenced the evolution of their partnership. Both worked unconsciously to rewrite the script of their faulty relationships with their parents.

Henry came to realize that, underneath his anxiety and rationalizations, he felt deeply abandoned by his mother and his father. June was similar to his parents in that, like them, she was strongly occupied with outside activities. And yet she seemed different. Would she provide an opportunity to discover what it feels like to be deeply cared for? Or, would she end up being unavailable and distant, as was the pattern when he was growing up?

June realized that she was disconnected from her mother in a very painful way — that her mother's lack of personal identity made it impossible for her to see June as a separate individual. When Henry and June first connected, it seemed to June that Henry appreciated her for who she was. As Henry's need for nurturance came more to the surface, it became clear that what she was hoping — that, despite his lack of personal identity, Henry would be able to mirror her value — was unlikely.

Both Henry and June entered into this relationship believing that they had found someone quite different from their parents. Yet, when the honeymoon was over, both found that the relationship that they had with the other was quite similar to a parental relationship.

One way to view this is that there was an unconscious wish to rework childhood relationship problems. Once this was conscious, both could take responsibility for their own development. As each developed as an individual, they were able to be in relationship in a more complete way. As Henry owned his anger and aggression, he became more solid as a person. He was then able to more truly mirror June's power and her vulnerabilities. He was also able to re-contact his sexual desire and achieve a balance between setting boundaries and opening to other. As June opened to her grief, she was able to risk more contact than what was available to her as a child. This softened her, provided her with a deeper satisfaction in life and allowed her to deeply nurture Henry.

With conscious development both took responsibility for their personal weaknesses, and consequently, they could both better supply the needs of the other.

Relationship Development in Modern Culture

Most of us look around and see miserable, mediocre and unsatisfying relationships (and thus many people begin to believe that they "can't get no satisfaction" and settle for less). Still, part of the reason that relationships appear so dismal, is that we know in our hearts that things can be better.

It has become clear that the "traditional" relationships of our ancestors are no longer tenable. Yet, what will work better is not perfectly clear.

Some look back to the "good old days" for the answer. If only we could recover what our grandparents (or our distant ancestors) had, we would be more satisfied. But, try as we might, returning to the ways of the past never seems to work. Whether we like it or not, our world is different. There are different demands on us. The structures and practices of relationship must be different from those of the past.

Modern psychology is only beginning to offer culturally relevant answers. When we do, we understand the necessity for integrating the wisdom of the ages with modern psychological science. We have clear concepts about how individuals develop and how emotional relationships play a central role in this development. We appreciate how culturally relevant practices have always mediated growth and transformation. With an understanding of the core purpose inside of specific practices, we increase our ability to utilize practices relevant to our new ways of living.

The depth insights and techniques that psychology is developing, while not yet integrated culturally, hold a promise of change. The advancement in the possibilities for satisfying relationship reaches out to us. We see these (sometimes sensationalized) images of relationship possibility in popular magazines and television programs. While we may be discouraged and dubious, there is an implicit promise that, if we just try, things can get better.

We no longer accept that hitting our children is the best way to rear them. We no longer accept that people of color and women are inferior forms of being human. We no longer accept that survival is the best we can hope for. And for many of us, we no longer accept that we have to endure a dull, unfulfilling or painful relationship. We want more than what our parents and grandparents had (even though our collective inability to deal with the stress of development can sometimes reduce our relational lives to a less satisfying experience than that of our forebearers) We want more satisfaction in relationship, a stronger sense of self, more security, more opportunity to explore the world, more fun and greater fulfillment (including more good sex).

The soul of our culture calls us to synthesize practices from a variety of different perspectives toward the development of world citizenship. To feel deep satisfaction, we must have a larger vision of who we are, what we want and where we are going than our parents did.

With the willingness to invest time, attention and energy, couples can develop an enduring passionate partnership. So why do so few couples choose to expend the energy? Here are a few of the reasons that I have heard: "I've tried, it doesn't work." "I don't have time." (Its not high enough on the priority list.) "Being in love should come naturally. If it doesn't, it means that there is something wrong with the relationship." "I always end up feeling like there is something wrong with me." "The problem is primarily my partner and I can't do anything to change him/ her."

All of these reasons for not making one's relationship a priority are understandable. Conscious relationship is hard work. It makes sense to prioritize the economic welfare of our family and the care of our children. Relationship change does require taking a hard look at yourself. It is frustrating and time consuming to work through deep-seated relationship issues. Its not easy to find one's way through the sea of help agents. Our partners do have problems.

So why do it?

Oftentimes couples embark on the path of relationship change because their personal values, fears and/ or concern for their children require that they stay in relationship, and the pain of not working on it has become too great. This can be the start to building a relationship which is more satisfying. When couples are okay with their status quo, it requires clarity of purpose to work toward a better relationship.

Sometimes people feel a deep desire to do relationship work. I believe that this desire is there in all of us, when we can find our way to it. When people are on their death beds, they do not often say, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." When all is said and done, it is the quality of our relationships and how we have enjoyed life with those that we care about that matters. While "love" is not "all there is," it is a primary guiding principle of life.

Relationship work is more than an attempt to heal ourselves from past wounds, it is the necessary development of structures that will allow us live together in a harmonious way. An investment in conscious relationship is an investment in creating the world that we want our grandchildren to inhabit. As we gain awareness of how our development has shaped us, how the many aspects of our personality function, how relationships arise and develop, and how to cultivate practices that support our goals; we can move toward the personal satisfaction which is derived from supporting future generations — in what one of my teachers calls "enlightened self-interest." (Richard Strozzi-Heckler)

Conclusion

It takes courage, time, energy and assistance from others to create an enduring, passionate, fulfilling relationship. Its hard. But what are the options? When we ask people who are the end of their lives what is most important, they speak about the value of having a relationship to something bigger than their individual selves. Being connected to our relational world feels best in the long run. For some, this corresponds with a spiritual connection. For others, family is primary. Others find that enjoying life with a best friend is simply the optimal way for feeling satisfied. It is also clear that working on deriving deep satisfaction from our relationship lives is essential for rearing healthy children, and possibly for the survival of the planet.