Many couples have been surprised to find that, when approached in the right way even very problematic relationships can become much better.

There are many ways that relationships fail and many reasons why they do (For some of my thoughts regarding why relationships are difficult click Why Relationships Are Difficult).

Herein, I would like to say a little about how I work with couples and offer some guidelines for increasing the speed, power and efficacy of the therapeutic work.

I organize couples therapy around two concepts:
1) Attachment — to feel secure with one's partner — to know that our partner "holds us in their heart and mind" (Diana Fosha, Sue Johnson).
2) Differentiation — Untangling unconscious relationship patterns so that each individual in a relationship can take ownership of him- or herself.

On the surface it is simple. When each person in a relationship shifts his or her focus to one of being the partner and person he or she wants to be, and then turns their considerate and loving attention to the other, things will improve. An understanding of how each person's family-of-origin relationship patterns contribute to destructive cycles, sets the stage for particular practices that help shift the patterns in a desirable direction. This leads to an increase in personal power, the development of capacities that can be used to reduce one's own and one's partner's distress ,more clarity about how to get what is desired, the ability to tolerate differences, more accountability, and increasing motivation to change based on feeling successful.

As your therapist it is my job to help identify the variables which keep you from enjoying your relationship and to help you to learn how to relate differently. I will assist you to understand how each person in the relationship contributes to the patterns and dynamics which create the problems in the relationship and offer specific practice structures that can help you shift these patterns. I will model ways to effectively communicate and guide you in practices of working through resentments, forgiveness, accountability and deep intimacy.

Some specific issues we may address include:

clarifying relationship goals clarifying personal values regarding relationship clarifying commitment to the relationship speaking in ways that promote intimacy       • speaking for yourself       • saying what you want       • expressing appreciation       • expressing dissatisfaction without blaming listening (and understanding) creating and tolerating intimacy creating increased sexual satisfaction management of anger and other reactivity tolerating differences

I will take an active role in guiding your therapy. I will not just sit there and let you continue to do the same things that have not worked for years. I will make suggestions about what will help and may ask you to take a hard look at yourself. I will also offer encouragement, help identify options when you are stuck, and celebrate with you as we come to places of softening, breakthrough and joy.

Sometimes the question arises, how long will it take to change our relationship? Changing destructive relationship patterns which have continued for a long period of time and have caused a great deal of hurt is not easy or quick. Couples therapy may help create significant change in your relationship within twelve weeks, or can take much longer, depending upon the severity of the problem and each partners willingness to fully engage in the process.

Things that you can do to make the process quicker and more effective are:

Come to therapy consistently — make it a priority in your life. Work on your relationship through the development of yourself. Come to sessions prepared to engage and take chances. Initiate conversations in the therapy about what is happening for you that is uncomfortable or intolerable. Carry what is discussed during sessions into the week:       • practice new behaviors       • bring increased awareness to difficult situations       • do homework. Work toward deep honesty with yourself and your partner. Be interested in partner's experience. Give your partner a chance (and time) to change him/herself. Pay attention to what has changed between sessions. Take yourself on and push toward personal change.

If you work rigorously to become the husband or wife that you want to be, you will feel better, will further your growth and improve your life. By trusting your partner to work on him- or herself, you provide the loving container and fertile soil which optimizes the other's opportunity for growth. If both partners concentrate on working toward being the partner that they want to be, each will have more to offer the other, the viscous cycles that have perpetuated the relationship difficulty will be broken and the relationship will improve.

Most of us do not find very many examples of long-term relationships which are constructive and positive. Perhaps, together, we can change this.

The work of being a person capable of understanding and tolerating deep intimacy not only creates more personal satisfaction, it provides a model for children, friends and family.

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